Well today is New Year’s Eve, but for us it’s something even more significant. Today is the anniversary of Chloe’s first very important surgery. Her PA Band. While this surgery is big, we were so blessed that Chloe didn’t need a more intricate surgery, and although her heart defect is severe and complex, it could have been much less straight forward for the doctors. There’s always a silver lining in the story somewhere!
For Chloe, this was lifesaving surgery. Without it, she most certainly would not have made it to this day, so for us, New Years Eve is much more than pondering the ups and downs of the year, we celebrate the life that is our precious miracle.
But as I look back I’ve been so blessed. When I was pregnant with Chloe and found out about her heart defect, Mike and I started keeping a journal. It was Mike’s idea, he’s quite sentimental, but I write in it more! We documented the journey of the pregnancy, scans and news from doctors, and once she was born we documented doctor’s visits, tests and then surgeries.
One of the things I would always say to Mike and I wrote in the journal, was that I just wanted the time to cuddle our baby. We had a miscarriage before having Chloe, and only those who have experienced this know that there’s an empty feeling that goes along with it. You never get that cuddle. To see that baby, but you have already loved it and dreamt a life with that child. We dreamed of a life with Chloe and I’ve been so lucky to get to experience the things that I wished for.
None moreso than the cuddles and the giggles. Chloe is a hoot. I’m sure lots of parents say this about their kids, and yes, I’m biased, but she is very amusing! She loves attention, usually! I can sit in a cafe, and she will smile at the all the strangers and then ‘fake out’ with being shy, which just brings more attention, of which she loves and then she’ll smile more. Following that I always get the questions about her, but that’s another blog!
She has a great giggle, and lately is quite happily chats away for ages to herself and her toys, and quite often the dog. I can see her personality emerging. Another wish has been granted! She’s stubborn, persistent and knows what she wants. And doesn’t give up til she gets it. A great trait for any kiddie with health problems to have. She’s a talker. Loves a good conversation! She has great concentration and is aware of everything going on around her. When she’s playing with her toys the tongue comes of out her mouth and she concentrates very hard! Now she’s into sorting her ‘little people’ toys into groups, then unpacking them, then re sorting them! This keeps her amused for ages!
Last year’s New Years Eve had our daughter in PICU, sedated after surgery. We left her with the nurse around 8pm, tired, stressed and worried. I didn’t want to leave her but I was exhausted. The nurse convinced us that we needed to take care of ourselves. She even organised some food (I think tinned spaghetti and toast and a some tinned fruit!) and sent us away. I think I fell asleep in the little unit we were staying in at around 9pm. We didn’t celebrate or head out, and most certainly didn’t stay up for fireworks. Though I vaguely remember Mike saying he could hear them going off and I think he went outside to see if he could see them. When I woke in the morning I distinctly remember a feeling of panic, had my phone rang overnight and I didn’t hear it? Nope, no missed calls. We rang straight away to see if she was okay then got ready to go visit with her.
This year, we aren’t in PICU, I’m still tired! haha, and we will most likely still go to bed early!
As I finish this post, I was thinking back to this time last year. This time last year I was sitting in the ‘pumping room’…yeah, not very glamourous… being a cow to pump milk for Chloe. Mike was sitting outside the room. My mobile phone rang and it was the surgeon.
Surgeon, “Is this Mrs Love?”
Me, “Yes” (Trepidation, heart racing..anxiety levels rising!)
Surgeon, “Chloe is out of surgery, no surprises, all is fine. She’ll be in PICU in about half hour and you can see her.”
Me, “Thank you….So everything is fine?”
Surgeon, “Yes”. And he hangs up the phone (His people skills not great, but he’s an awesome surgeon!)
It had been a long morning of waiting. I had fallen asleep in the waiting room chairs, tried to eat, played games on my phone. I hurriedly packed up my pumping equipment, grabbed my milk (careful not to spill it!!) and went out to tell Mike she was out of surgery and doing great. He was relieved, though that’s an understatement.
This is Chloe just out of surgery, still sedated, peacefully resting, this time exactly one year ago. She was puffy, but looked okay, and I admit that I never really noticed the lines, I just saw her. Well that’s not true, I saw the ugly blue beanie first and thought, ‘Well that’s got to go!’
Now she’s a one year old. Full of personality, determination, stubbornness and cheekiness. She’s thriving. And although it’s been a year full of great milestones and firsts (first year as a mum, first birthdays, crawling, talking…surgery…) I will be glad to farewell 2013 and look forward to a more ‘normal’ 2014, with no surgeries and less hospitals! As I’m sure Chloe will be too.
Chloe's story 